Hummus
by SassyJimmy
Summary: The stupid events of a day in the lives of the 3 best friends.(Altair/Malik/Maria) THIS IS STUPID! DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. NOTHING EXPLICIT! just implied for laughs.


Troll fic

_Assassin's Creed_ style.

It was a crisp and golden morning like a French fry. Altair had just woken up from a nap under a gorgeous tree. He blinked his eyes and saw a horrible sight. Malik was being attacked by a vicious seal in the fountain out side Maysaif. Altair rushed over to help is friend.

"GET YOUR FILTHY MOUTH OFF MY BRO YOU BASTARD!"

"It's too powerful Altair! Go on with out me." Malik said weakly.

"NEVER!" the mansome assassin said.

He forced the beasts jaws open and freed his bromantic partner. With a swish of his sword Altair beheaded the seal.

"You saved my life!" Malik exclaimed, "I must repay you."

"There is no need for that Malik." Altair said as he gazed at his friend.

The two looked at each other deeply only to be interrupted by a very angry Maria.

"Who the hell ate all the hummus?!" she yelled angrily.

"OH SNAPS!" Malik exclaimed in shock and fear.

"What is this hummus you speak of my dear?" Altair asked dumbfounded.

Maria stared at him as if he was dropped on his head as a child. She wondered if he had minor brain damage. Or was he hiding a secret from her. What Maria didn't know was that Altair and Malik had a gay encounter of the worst kind! They were the ones eating all the hummus (If you know what I mean.), In-fact Altair was actually bisexual. He felt torn between the two. He did love them both, but he was scared that Maria will emotionally traumatize their child if she found out about his affair with Malik.

Maria was not amused with Altair's answer. She decided to ask Malik were the hummus disappeared to.

"Malik, do you know where the hummus went? Maria asked "I could have sworn there was a brand new container of it the other day."

Panic stricken Malik replied "The seal Altair exterminated ate it!" he said "I tried to stop him but it was too late. He overpowered me and tried to kill me. Luckily Altair saved my pathetic life."

"It's true. I just couldn't stand to see my companion die in the jaws of such a monstrous beast."

"You did a brave and noble thing Altair." Maria said as she kissed him on the cheek.

"Let us all celebrate Altair and his bravery!" Malik said with glee.

Deep down the two men knew that they had told a fib to cover up a love affair of forbidden proportions.

Later that night Altair was preparing for the feast when Malik came in. He knew that some shat was going down.

"I feel so….so…" Malik tried to spill out.

"Guilty?" Altair replied.

"Exactly! I just am afraid of what people will think if they found out about us."

"I feel the same way Malik, I don't want to hide secrets from Maria, but I just can't stop thinking about you."

The two stared at each other and then out of nowhere they gave each other a bro-hug.

Then Altair spilled his feelings "I love you bro."

Malik quickly pulled away. And tiny tears trickled down his face.

"I can't do this Altair. You may be fine having two lovers, but I don't think it's acceptable." Malik said "I know you, you are not a polygamist."

The emotional instability flooding the room eventually overpowered Malik. He ran out of the room sobbing heavily.

"Malik wait!" Altair exclaimed as he ran after him.

It was too late Malik had already run down the corridor, he was going to tell Maria about the affair. Altair had to stop him. The bros ran down the hall trying to prevent each other from telling Maria the truth/the cover-up.

"Maria I must tell you about Altair and_!" Malik was too late Altair mysteriously showed up out of nowhere.

"I am sorry Bro, but you shall not pass this information on." Altair said.

"She has every right to know!" Malik said eagerly.

"Know what?" Maria said, "What in the world is going on?"

Malik turned towards his bro and looked at him longingly. Altair did the same. The truth had to come out.

"Go ahead and tell her Altair."

"Fine. Maria, I…Iam…..Uh….Well…You see….." Altair tried to spill out the words.

"We are the ones who have been eating all the hummus. Altair and I have been using the hummus for our own personal pleasures. We are an item!" Malik exclaimed.

"MOTHER F_!" Maria shouted. She was shocked by the news she had just received about her husband and his bro. She was pissed and questioned the two.

"How long has this been going on?" she asked.

"It's been a few months." Altair said, he explained the first encounter and then went told the tale of the hummus. It was a shocking tale.

The story was shocking and horrifying. The 2 bros were eating hummus everywhere, in the library, the hookah bar, even in the bureau.

Malik was satisfied that the truth had been disclosed, but he couldn't abandon his feelings. He decided to be a troll and piss off Maria. He grabbed Altair's hand and raised it to his lips.

"I have always wanted Altair for myself." Malik said as he kissed Altair's hand.

"Altair is mine bitch!" Maria said as she grabbed Altair's hand. She knew she had to win back her man.

The 2 started to play a tug-a-war game to win the affection of their man.

The ruckus had caused such a stir that young assassins in training came in the room shouting fight. Altair was fed up with the immaturity of his wife and bro. suddenly he screamed "STOP IT!"

The assassins went silent and ran away in fear. Malik and Maria looked at him shocked out of their wits. Altair began to speak.

"I love you both, but I don't want to see the people I love fighting over me like some trophy." He said.

Malik and Maria felt ashamed of their actions. They knew they had to forgive each other and apologize to Altair.

"Iam so sorry. I don't know what came over me." Maria said

"Forgive me for my actions bro." Malik said

"See what good can come from resolving problems." Altair said

"Yes. I understand now that fighting over a boy is not worth ruining a friendship." Maria said apologetically to Malik.

"Exactly!" Malik responded. "Friendship is magic!"

The 3 of them all had a big sappy group hug. The end result was glorious. Malik had Altair on Tuesday's trough Thursdays, and Maria got Altair the rest of the week. It was a happy success. Altair and Maria's kid now had 2 mommies and they all went out on double dates (Altair took Malik and Maria out on a date so he technically had 2 dates.) Every thing worked out perfectly and they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
